Puella Magi Madoka Magica Redux: The Abridged Series
by Weaver the 8th
Summary: Something strange is happening in the world of Madoka, and it all is connected with a strange dark haired girl who keeps verbalizing her stage cues. In here lies the script for Puella Magi Redux: The Abridged Series. Please sit back and enjoy the madness that is to come. What could be Madoka's fate in this new horrible world! Probably something involving a naked space hug.
1. Episode One: Darn You Escher

Mami defeats Gertrud while shouting: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse Word!

Mami: You know Kubey, even though I almost died today, I had a lot of fun with you.

Kubey: Oh, you poor girl. You really need to make some friends. But first, cheeseburgers! (laugh track)

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

We are in a post apocalyptic building, a pink haired girl is running through it like a ninny.

Madoka:(huffpuffing)I knew I shouldn't have played Silent Hill right after going to that M C Escher Gallery!

Madoka sees door: Ooo! Clearly marked exit.

Madoka entering Witch Labyrinth Thingy: Oh cool, cut scene.

Madoka: Oh, I think I missed the save prompt.

Kubey: Uh, you know its not safe out here, right?

Madoka Turns to face strange plush: Oh hi, are you the save prompt?

Kubey: Um, no.

Madoka: Shoot I must have missed it earlier. Hey is that girl getting crushed by a building?

Homura gets hit by building: (monotone) Ow.

Kubey: Looks like it.

Both are quiet for a bit.

Madoka: Should I do something?

Kubey: Well the only thing you can do to help is make a contract with me. But you should really know the details first, so its better that you not become a magical girl. Even though I could grant any wish that you wanted. Any. At all.

Madoka: You can grant any wish?

Kubey: Yep, you could ... wait what were we talking about? I've been forgetting things a lot lately... almost like someone made a time traveling wish and sent the ill effects onto me.

Madoka: Yeah... moving on. You were going to make me a goddess of all existence.

Kubey: Huh? Really?

Madoka: Yes, now stop asking questions and do it you adorable abomination.

Kyubey: Sure thing! Godhood coming up.

Madoka: My greatest dream is coming true. If this was an anime this would the best ending evars!

Homura: No! You are ruining everything!

Madoka wakes up: Huh? Aw, what a great dream.

Madoka in the bathroom with her mom Momoka

Momoka: You know, I told you not to play Silent Hill after going to that M. C. Escher gallery.

Madoka: I know...

Madoka on her way to school: Oh Hi Sayka. Who's your friend?

Sayaka: This is Hitomi, she is totally awesome!

Hitomi: I'm just waiting till you two get boyfriends, then I'll steal them from you, breaking your hearts into a thousand pieces. You two will bring me up to thirty.

Madoka: Wow Sayaka, she's a slut.

Hitomi starts waving her finger at Madoka: Now, now. No shaming words. I am a _bitch_.

Madoka: How is me calling you a bitch not shaming?

Sayaka: Dogs are awesome!

Madoka: Point taken.

Hitomi: Ahem, we should be going. Hearts won't break themselves.

Sayaka: Isn't she awesome Madoka?!

Madoka: Didn't you hear what she just said?

Sayaka: Something about doggies?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: Heh, too easy.

Madoka is in class with her dumb friend and slutty bitch.

Teacher: All righty, time to introduce the new transfer student Ms Homura Akemi!

Homura walks in with her hair billowing n the breeze: Epic entrance...

Teacher: Now I shall comically misspell your name.

Homura: Now I shall comically correct you.

Teacher: Okay class, I just got tenure so I shall have Ms. Akemi lead class today. Peace!

Teacher leaves the room.

Homura at the board: so we divide the pi by the square root of the imaginary number than multiply by the hypotenuse of the cube of the parabola...

Student: I think she's making stuff up.

Madoka: You just go that?

Cafeteria

Student girl: You're new so you're cool.

Student 2 speaking like valley girl: I, like, love your, like, uber mysterious monotone... like.

Homura: I'm sorry I'm allergic to valley girls.

Homura walks up to Madoka: You have pink hair, so that must mean you are a nurse's aid. Take me to the nurse's office, Nurse Joy.

Madoka: Actually student girl number two is the nurse's aid. Though I understand how you mistook me for the aid. It happens a lot.

Homura: Walk with me.

Madoka: Ooookay.

Homura and Madoka start walking through the school.

Homura: walk, walk, walk, walk...

Madoka: You certainly seem to know where you are going.

Homura: I just like walking around halls randomly.

Madoka: Oh...

Homura stops and turns to Madoka: (to herself) Epic turn. (To Madoka) Madoka Kaneme, do you value the life you have now?

Madoka: Wha? Uh, yeah sure. I mean I have a few complaints, but who doesn't. I mean no one's life is perfe-

Homura: Whatever, just don't sell your soul away. Unless its for something extra juicy. (swerve away) 'Kay, Bye.

Madoka: Wow... what a freak.

Madoka at a fast food place: So Sayaka, what do you think of the new transfer student?

Hitomi: Why aren't you asking me what I think?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: (quiet)

Madoka: So Sayaka what do you think of the new transfer student?

Sayka: Ug! She is so not awesome! What does she think? Acting like some kind of weird transfer student is moe or something?

Flashes to Homura looking in a mirror with her shaky glasses: I'm so Moe!

Flashes back to Sayka: It makes me sick! (hits head on table)

Sound Effect: whap

Madoka is now in a music store, in a mall, somewhere in Japan. Presumably.

Madoka: Wow, you're right Sayaka. This music really speaks to me.

Kyubey: (telepathic) Help me...

Madoka: (gasp) Is this about when I illegally downloaded you last week? I'm sorry, I'll pay for this CD if it makes you feel better.

Kyubey: Actually I want you to come into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses.

Madoka: You want me, an underage girl, to go to into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses?

Kyubey: Yeppers~

Madoka shrugs: 'Kay. (to Sayaka) Hey, Sayaka, I think you're going to finally get a chance to use that taser.

Sayaka: Hooray! Zapping pedophiles is fun!

The two are now walking in the dark creepy section of the mall.

Madoka: Here I am, an under-aged girl who has no defenses against possible attackers!

Kyubey running up to them: Help!

Madoka: Dang it. You don't look like a pedophile.

Sayaka: Aw...

Homura walks up: Don't touch that creature.

Madoka: Why, is it some kind of Mephistopheles allusion that will try to steal my soul away with the illusion of wishes?

Homura: Uh... no. Now could you move a little to the left so I can shoot him and traumatize you for the remainder of the twelve episodes.

Madoka: What?

Homura: You know everyone loves a broken bird character. It'd give you some major moe points with our audience. They would just eat that up.

Sayaka: Hyah! Fire extinguisher!

Homura: Oh no fire extinguishers, my one true weakness.

Sayaka tosses extinguisher

Madoka and Sayaka escape

Homura in the background: Ow.

Sayaka sees Kyubey: What is that thing? Can I taze it?

Madoka: Probably not. Keep it handy just in case though.

Homura dramatically leaps out of the background: Fwoosh. (looks about vacantly) Oh, darn, where did they go? (gaspies) Oh no, the pringles men are coming.

Sayaka: Oh no, pringles men! We're gonna be assaulted! … Get it? Assaulted? You know, like salt and chip-

Madoka: We get it. Shut up Sayaka.

Pringles men: Once you pop the fun don't stop.

Madoka: Oh no! We entered into the product placement zone!

Sayaka: I don't even like chips!

Mami: Don't worry, I shall save you from this poorly conceived ad for a famous snack food.

Madoka and Sayaka: 'Kay.

Mami: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse words!

Pringles men: Retreat! Her catch phrase is cooler than ours!

Kyubey: Mami saved us, you should totally be her friends.

Madoka: Weren't you bleeding to death a second ago?

Kyubey: Oh right. Argh, it's so horrible.

Sayaka: Can I taze him now?

Madoka: Maybe.

Mami: Aw, Kyubey! Did you find me some friends? That's so sweet.

Homura: No, do not be friends with her Madoka.

Madoka: I'm not becoming anyone's friend! I don't even know what is going on here!

Mami: I'll be serving some cake at my house at four tomorrow.

Madoka: Friendship is awesome!

Homura: Curses, foiled by pastries. (to herself) Swerve... exit into shadows.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending Credits)


	2. Episode Two: Drugs Are Bad

Homura jumps over a pole: Vwoosh...

P.E. Teacher:She just broke the prefecture record! Like magic!

Madoka: Her icy cold stare pierces my soul... like Magic.

Kyubey in some bushes.

Kyubey: I'm sitting in the bushes. Like magic!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Melodramatic music plays over a completely black screen

Mami: My story... is not one for the faint of heart. When I was, probably, a ten year old girl... my parents died in a car crash.

A crudely drawn car with smiling people, which is connected to a stick, drives by the screen.

Mami: Vrooooom! Vroooooom! (drawing starts to violently shake) Eeeeeee!

Flash to Madoka sitting at Mami's table: Yeah... anyway, this cake is really great.

Mami: You didn't let me finish.

Madoka: I'm sorry, that cut scene was just terrible.

Mami: I did the best I could! I didn't know that I'd be having guests...

Sayaka: I thought the graphics were pretty good. My favorite part was that weird wooden object connected to the paper.

Mami: It's nice to know someone appreciates my efforts.

Kyubey, while eating some cake: So, are you friends with Mami yet?

Madoka: Maybe.

Mami: Exposition time!

Madoka and Sayaka: Yaay!

Mami: So I sold my soul and now I'm damned to fight eldritch abominations till the day I die.

Madoka and Sayaka: Yay?

Mami smiling as she holds her soul gem: So, any of you want to join me in this horrible fate?

Sayaka: Awesome!

Madoka: Didn't you hear anything she just said?

Sayaka: We get to become magical girls who fight for truth, justice, and the Japanese way!

Madoka: I can't take you anywhere.

Mami: Don't be shy.

Sayaka: Hey, is that your head symbolically resting on your lap in that reflection.

Mami: … Oh bleepers.

Sayaka: Come to think of it, are you like a mentor figure?

Mami: I guess...

Sayaka: Ooo! Like Obi-wan Kenobi!

Mami: Oh...

Madoka: Uh... don't you have a paraplegic to be stalking?

Sayaka: Oh right! He's probably changed his room number again. Sayaka away!

Sayaka in a hospital room with Kyosuke.

Kyosuke: Oh, hi... Sayaka.

Sayaka: Silly Kyoyo. Why do you keep changing room numbers?

Kyosuke: You really can't take a hint can you.

Sayaka: I heard you like music so I got you some death metal!

Sayaka puts a headphone in hers and Kyosuke ears.

Kyosuke: (Thinks to himself) Maybe if I act crazy she'll go away...

Kyosuke: Yargh! I'm crazy! (smashes CD player) Ow! Pain!

Sayaka: So hot.

Kyosuke: Argh! I made it worse!

One enforced restraining order later

Madoka: So he called his nurse on you, huh?

Madoka and Sayaka walk to school

Sayaka: But he did it in the most loving way.

Kyubey pops onto Madoka's shoulder: Ooo, talking about love? I can give you some pretty good advise.

Madoka: What gender are you anyway...

Sayaka: Share your wisdom space ferret!

Hitomi walks up: Speaking of love, how's your love lives going?

Madoka: Wait, she heard you?

Kyubey: Course not silly. Only you guys and Mami can see me because of my awesome psychic powers.

Hitomi: (quiet)

Madoka: I think she can hear y-

Hitomi: Anyway... found a boyfriend yet Sayaka?

Sayaka: Totally! He's crazy about me. Here's his room number, and name, and likes, and dislikes, and the pretty paper he got me...

Hitomi: It says Restraining Order.

Sayaka: Silly, its a joke gift!

Hitomi: Like fish in a barrel.

Madoka: Well, come at me you harpy. I got the ultimate man!

Hitomi: Please, I've stolen the hearts of hundreds of boys. What could possibly keep him from fall-

Madoka: Harry Mason. Bam!

Hitomi: Right... so what? He's foreign. I can still-

Madoka: Harry is a character from a video game. He exists only in my mind, and we're happily steady.

Hitomi: He's not real? (upset :( face ) I can't break your heart!

Hitomi starts running off crying: I can't break your heart! I can't break your heart!

Madoka: Ha ha! And mom said my video game obsession would never pay off.

Kyubey: That sounds a bit like a hollow victory.

Madoka: Shut up space ferret.

Madoka and Sayaka are now sitting outside by some fences, Sayaka is holding onto said fence.

Sayaka: Let's see... world supply of chocolate... llama baron...

Kyubey: What in the world are you blathering about?

Sayaka turns to face Madoka and Kyubey: Oh, just some wish ideas. I want to make it super good.

Kyubey: Look, I know the promise for anything with one wish is tempting, but you should really think this over.

Sayaka: Hitomi deserves something for always being there for me.

Kyubey: You... you shouldn't just sell your life away for...

Sayaka: I can share some of my chocolate with her!

Kyubey: Y... you need to listen to me! This is serious!

Madoka: Give it up, I've been trying to get through to her for years and nothing.

Homura watching from the shadows

Homura: Hey... I heard you wanna be a magical girl.

Sayaka turns to Homura with an angry face: Oh no! The moe girl!

Homura: Moe sells.

Sayaka: Its pandering to a fan base that is viewed by the majority of society as sick and pathetic! Sure moe looks cute, but its all there to get a rise out of-

Madoka: So! You here to give me an ominous warning about not becoming a magical girl?

Sayaka mumbling something about neets and the fall of society... not important.

Homura: Actually I came here to tell the blue haired freak that Gen had made her the star of this anime.

Sayaka: ZOMG! Gen Urobuchi said that. I am so happy! This must mean I really am destined to be a magical girl.

Madoka: You... you know he's also called Uro"butcher" right? His characters always meet some dark-

Sayaka: I am super awesome pants Sayaka! Defender of chocolate factories everywhere!

Madoka: Why do I even bother.

Homura: Heh, everything is falling into place. (Turns away) Hair billows in the wind. Exit.

Madoka, Mami, Sayaka, and Space Ferret are now on the side of a busy street at twilight.

Madoka: So... we're not getting cake tonight?

Mami: We're looking for an eldritch abomination to fight. They congregate around here to send people into despair and commit suicide.

Madoka: The eldritch abominations commit suicide?

Mami: No. The people in despair do. Not the abominations.

Madoka: So... that means no cake, right?

Cut to woman on a roof looking completely high.

Woman: I can, see forever... maaaan. (falls off) Wow... man.

Mami: I'll save you, you poor suicidal wretch!

Magical girl transformation, Credens Justitiam plays.

Madoka: Does anyone else smell weed?

Mami: Oh no, Gertrud the Marijuana Witch must be nearby.

Madoka: Mari-wha?

Mami: We must get to her before she sells her wares to the children.

Sayaka: I wish I brought my D.A.R.E. shirt.

Kyubey: Quick get inside the building before she corrupts another innocent.

Madoka: God... I just entered a drug PSA...

While running through the witches labyrinth they see the Pringles men.

Sayaka: Oh my gosh! They must help her with her drug trafficking.

Mami: No, they're just here for the AA meeting that's down the hall.

Madoka: Why am I so surprised to hear that?

Mami: Don't worry. The novelty of all this wears off in a week. It gets surprisingly old.

The group is now at the precipice of Gertrud's room.

Mami: Okay, you guys stay behind this barrier as I go confront the boss of this level.

Madoka: (gaspies) I knew this was a video game...

Mami: Mami, away! (jumps)

Mami now standing before the witch

Mami: Excuse me Gertrud. (curtsey and guns fall out from her skirt) Since we've done this like ten times already, could you bow out just for once? I'm really tired today.

Gertrud: Dooby, Dooby, Doooooo!

Mami: Uh huh... ( starts shooting)

Gertrud: Dooby doo! (dies)

Mami: Wow, fighting witches get easier after you battle the same one for over ten times.

Mami grabs grief seed.

Madoka: Are you going to destroy it so as to stop her from hatching out again and causing...

Mami: Butterfingers. (tosses away) Oh shoot, she got away again. Now I'll have to focus on catching her and ignore any harder witches till I-

Grief Seed tossed back.

Homura: I stopped her as she was making her get away.

Mami: Oh... great... thanks. (tosses again. Gets tossed back to her hand.)

Homura: Now you can go battle new witches and stuff. Aren't you happy to be rid of this drug lord?

Mami: I hate you so much.

Sayaka: Hey, don't lose your _head_ over this Mami.

Mami: Why did you say it like that?

Madoka: Hey, don't get a_head_ of yourself Mami.

Mami: What? Ahead of what.

Homura: _Heads_ will certainly roll in the next episode.

Mami: That's it. No cake for any of you!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending Credits)


	3. Episode Three: Executive Mandate

Episode 3

Madoka and Momoka in the bathroom brushing their teeth while Kyubey enjoys sitting in a finger bowl.

Momoka: What is the space ferret doing in our finger bowl.

Kyubey: Invisible sauna~

Madoka: You can see him too, huh?

Momoka: Everyone can see him. We just pretend we don't see him to make him feel better.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Homura and Mami are in a park at night, the theme of The Godfather is playing.

Mami: You wanted to talk to me?

Homura: We're axing you from the show.

Mami: What?! Why? I'm one of the most popular characters.

Homura: You won moe of the year... I had that in the bag.

Mami: You know Madoka placed behind me right?

Homura: Silence!

Mami: Isn't there anything I can do to stay on the show?!

Homura: Kill Madoka...

Mami: I would never do that! How could you-

Homura: … or Sayaka.

Mami: Okay! Wow... I'm starting to feel so evil right now...

Homura: Welcome to the dark-side.

That same night Madoka is awake in bed.

Madoka: So you really don't want to trick me into giving away my soul so as to prevent the heat death of the Universe?

Kyubey: Yep.

Madoka looks at her notebook: Cool... when did I draw these?

Kyubey: Oh, sorry. I was just feeling inspired and decided to design a cool little dress for you.

Madoka: That is a little creepy... but thanks!

Huge crash sound

Dadoka: Madoka! Help!

Madoka: I'll hide the cold medicine!

Madoka walking down the stairs to find Momoka collapsed on the ground with Dadoka by her side.

Madoka: Bad night, huh?

Momoka:(whines) Mommy needs her fix.

Dadoka: Dear, we talked about this. No more downing a bottle of cold medicine. Drink beer like the rest of us.

Momoka: (sobs) I want my NyQuil!

Dadoka: Get a six-pack! Stat!

Madoka now alone with her Dadoka

Madoka: So apparently Kidoka got into the beer... again.

Kidoka: Mado... (hicup) ka... (thwump)

Dadoka: They always start so young. (sniffle)

Madoka: Look we can send him to this AA meeting I know about. Just make sure he doesn't do anything to provoke his fellow drunks.

The next night!

Mami: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse word!

A witches familiar gets blown up.

Familiar: I just wanted to be loved!

Sayaka and Madoka come out from behind a park bench as everything returns to normal.

Sayaka: Wow Mami, that was awesome. You shot that familiar that was right by me. It was so close, I thought you might hit me by mistake.

Mami: Right... I would never purposefully shoot you to death.

Madoka: She said "by mistake".

Mami: Shoot, I am so bad at this.

Madoka: I'm suddenly very uncomfortable.

Kyubey comes running around and crawls up on Madoka: I'm a squirrel!

Madoka: Why am I hanging out with you freaks?

Sayaka: That's not a nice thing to say about Mami and space ferret.

Kyubey: I have a name you know.

Madoka: Let's just get going. I need to get home before mom finds the NyQuil.

The groups is now walking down a dark and foggy road in the park.

Madoka: I'm starting to wonder... what genre is this anime game anyway. Is it like a turn based RPG and we've just been going through a really long cut scene or is it more like a real time battle simulator.

Mami: I'm pretty sure this is just an anime.

Madoka: Pshaw. The fog is totally being used to hide any enemies in the distance like Silent Hill.

Mami: You know it could just be being used to add to the ambiance of this current scene.

Madoka: Have you played any of the Silent Hills?

Mami: Well no, but I don't see wh-

Madoka: Argument invalid.

Kyubey: What are you two talking about?

Madoka: Just about what kind of medium of entertainment we're currently in.

Kyubey: Huh? This is real life. Why would you say such a silly thing?

Mami: Um... Kyubey...

Madoka: You poor deluded fool.

Sayaka: I think I'll use my wish to make Kyousuke my husbando.

Kyubey: (quiet) What?

Madoka: Hey I just realized. What's up with the bat?

Sayaka: Oh, Kyousuke's almost ready to leave the hospital again.

Madoka: What's that got to do with the bat.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: S-Sayaka?

Sayaka: It's a... secret.

Kyubey: I'm starting to regret meeting you two...

Sayaka: Who wants to join me in visiting Kyousuke at the hospital tomorrow?!

Mami: I'm starting to feel less guilty about trying to murder you.

Sayaka: What?

Mami: What?

Madoka: I think I'm gonna run on ahead... see you guys later. Hopefully.

Kyubey: I think I'll come along too...

At the hospital

Sayaka entering Kyousuke's room: Hey babe. Missed me?

Kyousuke: Please go away.

Sayaka: Aw, you not feeling well today? Don't worry. This won't take too long. I just wanted to show you my new bat.

Kyousuke: NURSE!

Nurse appears behind Sayaka: Sup foo'?

Sayaka now exiting the elevator: Stupid nurse and her stupid street talking ways...

Madoka: Oh thank God, I was worried they'd end up calling the cops.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: We should go now.

Sayaka, Madoka, and Kyubey are now walking out of in the hospital's parking lot.

Sayaka: I don't get it, I thought he loved baseball. Why didn't he want to see my new bat?

Madoka: I think he was worried about what you were gonna _do_ with the bat.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: Please stop doing that.

Sayaka: Look! A black creepy thing attached the hospital!

Madoka: Aw shit...

Both girls quietly look at the grief seed attached to the hospital building.

Kyubey: Uh... you... you should probably get Mami before that thing hatches.

Both girls quietly look at the grief seed attached to the hospital building.

Kyubey: * sigh *

Madoka: I... I'll be back with Mami. You stay with Sayaka and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

Madoka leaves the two alone.

Sayaka: Imma touch it.

Kyubey: No!

One Mami retrieval later, Madoka and Mami are walking through the witches labyrinth

Mami: So... Madoka. There's something I've got on my chest I'd like to get off it...

Madoka: Is it the fact that you're plotting to murder Sayaka?

Mami: Was it that obvious?

Madoka: Yes, but that's beside the point. I know she's an idiot, but she's part of our nakama. If this really is an anime, game or not, we need to stick together.

Mami: But... if I don't I'll be taken out of the show.

Madoka: I'm sure we can talk to the producer and convince them that your a valuable asset to the show.

Mami: You really think so?

Madoka: I know so. (smiles)

Mami begins to cry: I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sure with the power of our friendship that we'll be able to get through to the producer!

Flash to Madoka and Sayaka watching Mami get her head bitten off by Charlotte.

Madoka: Huh, she was right. She should have killed you.

Sayaka: What?

Madoka: She should have killed you.

Sayaka: Oh.

Kyubey: Okay... I know that I've been telling you guys to not rush into making a wish... (starts freaking out) But we're about to get eaten! Make a wish! Make a wish! Make a wish!

Homura steps out of shadows: That won't be necessary.

Homura starts jumping around with the Mario jump sound: Boing, boing, boing.

After Charlotte blows up, Homura walks over to Madoka, Kyubey, and Sayaka.

Madoka: My theory on this being a video game keeps getting further proved.

Kyubey: Whew, thank you mysterious magical.

Madoka: Did you forget she tried to kill you a few days ago.

Kyubey: She what?

Homura: Let's not live in the past. I'm just here to ensure that you guys will live on to see the tragedy that I have planned for you both.

Kyubey: What kind of monster are you.

Homura: I'm the Executive Producer.

Sayaka, Kyubey, and Madoka: Noooooooooo!

Homura: Kay bye. (turns away) Silent exit into shadows...

Madoka: So... now what do we do?

Kyubey. Is it bad of me to say that I'm kind of hungry for cheeseburgers?

Sayaka: Yaay cheeseburgers!

Madoka: I look forward to your eventual death.


End file.
